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Janet Caldwell
|
| Janet Caldwell is a free spirit who has
been published in various sites on the web and held a byline in a
newspaper in the early 1980s while attending North Texas State
University, now known as UNT. She belongs to many literary
organizations. Janet has been influenced by writers such as Anne
Sexton, Sylvia Plath, Edgar Allen Poe, Bob Dylan, John Lodge &
Justin Hayward.
She has done volunteer work for the mentally challenged and is an advocate for others. Janet has suffered from manic-depression and relates to the writings of those who have suffered as well. Janet is also a certified optician in the state of Texas, USA and worked full-time for over 20 years in the optical field, fitting eye glasses and contact lenses. Birth Place: Ft. Worth, TX USA Accomplishments: Living life large in spite of the nay-sayers. |
A Conversation About Language and Life
by PL&Times
PLT:
Hi Sugarplum, I suppose we should start be letting people know that in
the six years we have known each other, we have become...erm... quite
close (!) which is why Robin asked me to do the interview I guess. This
being a proper celebrity interview though, we will have to be just a
tad more serious than we usually are.
JANET:
Well my sweet, it looks as though you have finally caught me. Ouch,
that rope is a bit tight. Actually, you are the only person on the
planet that I would do this for, you're the best Ian. Are you happy
now? hahahaha OK, onto the interview.
PLT:
I'm very happy that we have finally roped you in and tied you down
Texas lady. When do I get to put my brand on your thigh? I've seen the
John Wayne films ;-) OK, the interview give me a few seconds. Aroogh,
harumph, hurrrgh. There, I've got my serious head on now.
When the invitation to do this interview was broached you were
initially a bit reluctant because you have not written much new
material for, it must be about three years now. One of the things about
writing for a web audience is it does seem to put pressure on people to
write and post every day. I see people complaining they have writers'
block because they have not produced anything new for a week. Now
before you went into your quiet period (and we will come back to the
reasons behind that later,) your output was quite prodigious. Do you
think the web's insatiable appetite for new material eventually becomes
counter productive, that writers burn out and need periods of
regeneration?
JANET:
I don't mind writing for an on-line audience when I have something to
say. Lately my hands have been tied (by you, haha) and I do not feel
the least bit creative. It has nothing to do with the pressure to
produce for an audience who doesn't really get me anyway, it's more to
do with my manic-depression. I NEED to be manic and I can't seem to get
there. I have been in a funk for quite some time. I no longer feed on
the public's adoration, however, I do like, no I love being manic. I
can work round the clock. I am sure that others feel the pressure or
the need to produce for other reasons, not me. I really feel kind sad
for them not pity, just a sadness. It's taken some time to develop a
tough skin but in this business you have to. I had to. However, it does
not give me or anyone else the right to be hateful, or critical of the
person rather than the work. I don't really get that.
PLT:
Much as we love your writing, while you are getting back into the swing
we would all rather you took it in very short steps.
Moving on from your prodigious output, let's look at the other
prodigious aspect of that phase of your career. You were prodigiously
popular at Authorsden when I joined in 2001 and for several years after
that, in fact your popularity and the way such a wide cross section of
people seemed to find inspiration in your work is partly responsible
for my assertions that there is a huge potential audience for poetry
that speaks to people about their lives and emotions and is promoted
properly. Can you tell us why you think your work was so popular and
perhaps share a few tips on how to gain a loyal following with your
fellow poets here at Poetry Life and times?
JANET:
On the first part of the question, I was really naive when I got into
on-line publishing, so I read everyone and commented with the hope that
they'd read me. It did work, I developed a following. However the thing
that I cringe about is that I am a terrible critic and cant give them
constructive criticism. I leave that to the experts. So any time anyone
needed a read or a comment, I was there. It was to lift them up, so
many people got criticised and that's really mean. With everything that
I was doing it was starting to take a toll on my own work so I had to
cut back, I was exhausted. Now, I usually comment on the people that I
like, their work or them.
I also think that people enjoyed seeing my downfall, my descent into madness on their screens. Along with the literal blood-bath that followed. Some couldn't wait to see where I'd go next. Also, I write with a raw, no holds barred attitude. I have always despised sugar coated poetry. I'd rather gouge my eyes with nails.
In defence of some, they really cared for me and still do, I love them, they know who they are. American society feels the need to fix everyone (look at the war and fixing broken people), it's a national past-time. Most of us including me are touchy, feely people, wants everyone to be happy BUT happy in a way that suits the majority. That's terribly wrong and I have been guilty of this. In the states there is a phony kindness, especially the south where I live. When people reach out to me and are as phony as Santa, I want to scream. True kindness is beautiful but don't try to snow me, I'm too old.
PLT:
Another milestone for you was the publication of your book, Five
Degrees To Separation which marked Authorsden's attempt to move into
publishing. Unfortunately AD were overtaken by the advent of PoD sites
like Lulu.com and your book is no longer in print. I do intend to do
something about that for you, but for now perhaps you can tell us about
the experience of being published and of course the downside, the envy
and resentment of a few fellow writers. I recall chastising one clique
whose criticisms of the book strayed way over the line into personal
abuse. It would also be good to have your views on the way a certain
element of web users seem to think that being in the cyber dimension
rather than the real world excuses them from normal standards of
civilised behaviour. As you and I have seen some of the more fragile
spirits among our on-line friends driven away by cruel and unjustified
abuse, do you think it is time for some kind of regulation.
JANET:
When Matthew approached me, it was a great time for me. I was highly
manic and writing daily though not always on-line. He told me that my
readership was 'off the hook', not those exact words but the number at
the time was huge. I was really very excited and felt as though somehow
I had been validated. It took a lot more time and work than I had
thought. I didn't sell as many books as Matt or I had hoped for but it
was a start. Neither Matt or myself purchased a 'real ISBN#' so I could
not sell in stores, Amazon or anywhere else except AD.
I did a radio interview which went well and met some interesting people due to the book. In all fairness this was a first for Authorsden and myself so I am not at all angry, I am forever grateful to Matt and Authorsden. With that experience I have learned a few things. I signed a contract with AD and have honoured it and now I own all of my work and AD has no interest in it. It also gave me exposure which caused problems at Authorsden.
I remember one incident at the round table with a gentleman called David. He and his cronies were really ugly to me and thanks to you (Ian) he shut his fat mouth. Little did he know but I was approached by AD and asked if I wanted him kicked off the board, I declined. Let him rant. I couldn't believe all the people that were so jealous of my book. They were really mean. On the other hand the authors who had their own books also came to my defence and support. I have always been happy when someone succeeds at anything and the abuse was disturbing. This is the time that I developed thick skin.
The way writers can be so bitchy to each other used to surprise me but I guess there is a bitch inside each one of us. There were always arguments running on the discussion boards at Authors Den and people would form into little gangs and start yelling about what people were and were not allowed to say. Some of it came close to bullying. It seemed from my perspective though that those with little talent had most to say about what others should and should not write. The good writers let their work speak for them.
PLT:
Returning to Five
Degrees to Separation and the title poem on on p 148, it refers to
an aspect of your childhood. Anyone who has read the book or your poems
will know how childhood experience affected your life and informed your
writing. I know you have talked about this many times but forPLT
readers who are not familiar with your poetry perhaps you could tell us
briefly about your early life and how it has influenced you ever since?
JANET:
Childhood is a raw subject for me. My Mother was 29 and pregnant with
me, had three boys, my Father left us and she married my step-father
who later adopted me. He sexually abused me, beat my brothers, even my
disabled brother and I hated him from an early age. If you have seen
the movie Forrest Gump, I am Jennie. Especially the part where she runs
into the corn field with little Forrest escaping her Father's wrath and
praying "Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly, fly far, far away". As
I grew up, I was also like Jennie, wild as an ace. My only stability
was my brother Michael who died when I was 21. I really went crazy for
the first time. I lost ten days during that time and still can't
remember what happened. It's probably best.
After Michael died, I started drinking heavily and got my first DUI at the age of 27. I slept in empty houses, beer gardens and did a lot of couch surfing, even though I owned my own home. I just didn't want to be there. Eventually, it led to two DUI's back to back, a car accident and the loss of my driving privileges. Your question asks about the book title though. Yes, it does refer not just to my childhood but something that has followed me through life. Throughout all my trials and tribulations I have found security in the number five. When stressed or fearful I would count my fingers over and over. I don't know why, maybe I felt so long as there were five fingers I was still in one piece mentally and physically. I know you are grinning Ian because you think its kind of cute, but believe me there were times that crazy obsession was the only thing between me and the darkness.
PLT:
Grinning with watery eyes when I think of it Jan. I remember your
accident and the health problems that followed. I was on pins for about
six weeks wondering what had happened to you. DUI? Ditzy,
Unconventional, Intelligent or Driving Under the Influence? Now it is
not really anything to do with poetry, but I'm sure readers will be
interested to know how things were resolved in January this year and as
much of your writing draws very directly on personal experience it will
help people unravel some metaphors when they read your work. Anyway,
everybody loves a recovery story, so the floor is yours...
JANET:
On January 13th of this year, I had a liver transplant and I feel
physically good, mentally bored. I am grateful to be alive but feel bad
for the gentleman who lost his life. During the surgery my arms were
tied down and somehow I have nerve damage from my right shoulder to my
elbow. I have done some physical therapy but it can only help me so
much so I have quit attending. I can put my hair in a pony tail now and
that's huge.
PLT:
A pony tail? Do you wear bobby sox too? Nerve damage sounds bad and I
know it takes forever to repair. With my experience of rewiring nerves
I can maybe give you some advice offline. Or maybe I should come over
and administer some Intensive Personal Therapy (in a classy restaurant
for example)...
But an operation like that is huge, its going to take a long time to
get over. I'll pass on the advice I was given after my stroke, "don't
expect too much of yourself too soon."
JANET:
I can guess what kind of therapy you have in mind. But you are right,
it was a huge trauma to my system and after feeling so lousy for so
long as my liver gave out I am impatient to get on with my life. (and I
want to tell you everyone, I once told Ian my skin had gone really
yellow and he said he didn't mind as he had never had an oriental
girlfriend. You thought he was a charmer, Puh!)
I still tire easily, I wake up every morning feeling good but as the day drags on, I tire out around 2 PM. That is very frustrating because, I really like to be on the go. The anti rejection drugs that I take have highs and lows. One of the meds called Prograff (6 caps) causes back pain which I have more or less gotten used to. I no longer take pain meds. With my personality that is an addiction waiting to happen. Another med is Cellcept (4 caps) which causes nausea. I am on top of that with another pill. It makes me laugh. Pills, pills, causes brain spilzzzzzzz.
Did I
tell you about the problems I was getting before the op
though? The scariest was short term memory loss' which I still
experience but not as bad since my transplant. The memory loss was very
unnerving. Some days I would tell the same story over and over, then
other times, I would be mid sentence and forget what I was saying at
all. Also ammonia levels would rise in my blood b/c my liver could not
flush out the toxins and it literally made me crazy. I cried all of the
time for no apparent reason, was moody and needy. I felt like I was
going to go over the edge and never return. Finally the DR's gave me
some meds for that and the bad feelings went away. The meds finally
cleared the liver toxins.
PLT:
So really you were in a mess, you never
told me but I sort of got the idea. I do have a little experience of
imbalance in the blood electrolytes as Doctors call it - getting too
much crap in your blood in our language, you would have been given some
sympathy.
JANET:
I know, but sympathy does not make the problem go away and I don't like
to whine. The thing that bothers me the most now is lack of energy and
limited use of my right arm. Before my transplant it was much worse. I
was always sick, tired and bloating so big that I looked 9 months
pregnant. The bloating is called ascites which can occur as a result of
a number of conditions, including severe liver disease and the presence
of malignant cells within the abdomen. The body retains fluid which
left me very uncomfortable. I went to the hospital a few times to have
my abdomen drained. I remember one of the times, the DR. drained 7
litres from me. I was then limited to 40 ounces of fluid with no salt
to keep the bloating away. It was then that I learned a healthier way
to eat, drink and live. I went weekly to sessions with my fellow
transplant recipients (pre-surgery and post-surgery) which was good. We
did lose someone during that time and it made us all sad and afraid
we'd be next. By this time I wanted to live and I was fighting for it.
So compared to then, I feel great.
My hope for the future is of course to get out of the war for the sake of everyone. As for me personally, I would love to travel Europe, especially England and expose myself to other cultures and to try to find out what makes them so different from my home in many ways and so alike in others. Are you different? I don't think so but I want to experience it all for myself. Of course, I want to keep writing and maybe this interview will kick-start me.
PLT:
Well I know you like tea, so if you can handle bread toasted on both
sides, driving on the wrong side of the road and eating fish and chips
insead of burgers you'll be fine.
That
chain of unfortunate events has its roots in one of your
periods of depression of course so let's turn, if we may, to that topic
because I know many of our readers have experienced depression and from
it have been prompted to find their creativity.
Your struggle (or one of them) was you already said with manic
depression, in fact I used to tease that I wanted you manic all the
time because you were such fun. But seriously, not so long ago the
writer, actor and comedian Stephen Fry did a T.V. documentary about his
manic depression and concluded that with the benefit of fifty years
life behind him, if he was offered a cure he would refuse it, because
what society has been conditioned to see as an illness is in fact part
of everything he is and were he not bipolar he might not have achieved
many things that have given him most satisfaction. Some of your poems
such as Minimize
(p 88) suggest you share that attitude to some extent. Many creative
people seem to experience problems of this nature though, so how would
you say bipolar disporder has affected you for good and bad; is the
drug therapy too great a price to pay for stability and what personal
strategies have you developed for coping. Your poem Pancake Girl
(p58) which I read as being the emotional flatlining of a person on
medication, seems to suggest Fry has a point.
JANET:
I completely agree with Mr. Fry, mania is better than sex. During mania
my mind digs deep and pulls out some things that I forgot were there or
never knew. I guess one example would be my poem 'Most Recent' (see review) I am constantly thinking about a
lot of things at once but when I
am manic, I can handle it with ease. My writing during those times are
my best, the others are so-so. I can handle closet cleaning, laundry,
cooking, friends, writing and emergencies etc. without any trouble
during mania.
On the other hand when the depression creeps in it's good for writing
for awhile but if it gets too bad, I don't write at all, don't want to
go out, nothing. It's all too overwhelming for me, even going to the
mail box is hard. It is then that I retire to my bedroom, shut the
door, screen calls, completely shut down. During one such episode, I
took a bottle of pills and wound up in the hospital. It wasn't the
first time either but I am hoping it will be my last. It took a huge
toll on my son who is now 29 and I never want to do that again.
At this time, you are right, I am the epitome of 'Pancake Girl'. Fry is also correct about flat lining. Again, I refer to pancake girl. The most interesting book that I read at the time of putting my book together is called 'An Unquiet Mind' written by Kay Redfield Jamison. It's a great read for the manic-depressive or a family member living with a manic-depressive.
PLT:
We have strayed way off the beaten track here, so let's get back to
more familiar territory for a poetry interview. I guess stylistically
you could be described as a Dramatic Realist. (This is probably why
we're such good friends; it's said opposites attract and the most
polite description of my recent style called me a lyrical stylist) Much
of your poetry though is very raw and often quite disturbing, writing
poems such as Daddy #2 or First Haircut must be an emotionally
draining
experience. And your love poems have a directness that could shock the
straight laced. But there is another side to you, along with a great
sincerity your work has emotional depth and a lot of insight. Who have
your main influences been and why?
JANET:
My main influences have been Sylvia
Plath for her genius, Anne
Sexton for her bravery and also music. I love the Moody Blues, Bob
Dylan and Van Morrison. There is a mystical quality to their music and
I enjoy believing there is more to this life, this plane that we are on
but most can't see it or don't want to. First Haircut
came from a time when my step-dad had to get me ready for school and my
hair was really thick. He nearly pulled my head off trying to brush it,
finally he cut it off with a butcher knife. I hated him for that. I
once got inspiration from a fake tree in my home which produced a
decent poem called 'What Lies
in Sight". At the time of it's writing, I started to imagine the
poor children, their bleeding hands and the beads of sweat on their
tiny foreheads that produced this tree and millions like it. It made me
sick.
PLT:
Are you getting tired yet? Just teleport over and we'll break for tea
and scones; very English. We're getting near the end now. I mentioned
your very erotic love poems, and there is one set, those with the word
"Lover" in the title that particularly make me tingle with excitement.
You told me they are inspired by your online friendship with some
ageing English rouge whose name escapes me at the moment. But we are
not the only people to form an intimate friendship while on different
continents. Do you think that more and better poetry is inspired by
such impossible - to - consummate relationships than when things are
easier, such as when people actually live in the same town?
JANET:
Long distance makes the heart grow fonder, or outta sight, outta mind.
You don't have to worry about really answering to anyone. It depends on
the individual I suppose but I have several poems inspired by the same
Englishman. I believe the fantasy of what my mind can dream up is
probably better than 'real' life (no offence my sweet). Besides it's
fun to flirt and chat with an intelligent person who you actually care
for. It doesn't matter that this person is a few thousand miles away.
It makes it richer because you can decorate any way you want. The other
person can become your muse. Remember the prom? (don't tell them we
went to Hippy Hollow instead, hee hee)
(We
have dealt so much with the downside I'm glad Janet brought up
The Prom. A few years ago somebody at Authorsden had the bright idea of
organising a prom where people made dates with other members and
together wrote an account. Now a lot of people thought it was obvious
Janet and I should date each other. Problem. Being English, the only
thing I knew about High School Proms was learned from the movie There's
Something About Mary. I gave Jan a really hard time but when she
finally got it through to me why a school disco is such a big thing we
- um - both decided as we are rebels we would be uncenventional. So our
"prom date" Timewarp
Prom turned into a kind of Sabrina the Teenage Witch meets Austin
Powers farce. It is presented on the link as a screenplay in four parts
with a schmaltzy ending. A great insight into the humourous side of
Jan's personality. We intend to make an audio version of it one day:-
Ian)
PLT:
Let's get back on track. Love, and the quest for it, one of the classic
themes of poetry, has obviously played a big part in your writing and I
notice a tendency in your poems to shoulder a lot of blame yourself
when things go pear shaped in a relationship. One recurring theme
though in love poems is the lover known from a pat life (Ancient Lover
for example) On this side of the pond we often think of America as
something of a pressure cooker society and last year when an exhibition
of artist Edward Hopper's work toured here many critics commented many
of his works reflect an emotional isolation and hunger that pervades
American society. As you said earlier you felt a lot of people were
feeding off your emotionally - charged work a while ago, do you feel
that at all? And as you sometimes paint a bleak picture of the human
condition yourself, do you think an awareness of the needs of others
sometimes propels your writing?
JANET:
I do feel that people feed off of pain in the worst way BUT we all have
a right to to say what's on our mind. Hopefully, it brings awareness to
conditions that can affect anyone on the planet. Freedom of speech
should be a good thing, in many ways it isn't. It allows people to be
hateful to one another. On the other hand where there is suffering
there is a story to tell. One of my 'suffering' poems is called Closed Circuit
(pg86) and is chock full of illness, it probably tells about manic
depression the best.
PLT:
Staying with Edward Hopper, one of his paintings, House by the Railroad
makes me think of one of my favourite movies, This Property is
condemned which is based on a story by a great writer from the deep
South William Faulkner. Faulkner was part of a great tradition of
writers from the Southern states which includes Mark Twain, your
namesake Erskine Caldwell who is almost forgotten now but sold millions
in his era, Tennessee Williams, Harper Lee right up to current
bestseller Donna Tartt.
While in New York in the sixties I knew Joe David Brown who wrote Addy
Pray. (I knew Joe's daughter better but you don't want to hear about
that.) One day I asked Joe who originated from Alabama, why he thought
so much great writing came out of the South. He thought it was the very
mixed cultural background from the Spanish, French and British colonial
days, the scars left on society by the Civil War and the Great
Depression of the 1930s, racial tensions, heat, the contrasts in
society - extreme wealth alongside extreme poverty, racial tensions,
religious fellings, all mixed to create an atmosphere that fires
extremes of passion and produces colourful characters. Why do you think
the South produces so much great writing and music (because I know
music is important to you and your part of the world has given us many
unique styles)
JANET:
That is such a great question Ian, it answered itself. I agree with Mr.
Brown on his reasoning as to the success of southern authors but I
would add that as a southerner, we are a proud people and sort of loud,
as in opinionated. (laughing to myself here) Mostly, not afraid to say
what's on our mind. Trust me though, some you'd like to stuff a sock in
their mouth.
PLT:
And finally, one of the things that comes through in spite of the
darkness in some of your work is that you have a wonderful sense of
humour. For a long time I have thought poetry remains stubbornly
unpopular because so much of the work of acclaimed modern writers is so
gloomy, intense and introverted. Do you agree that if poets are serious
about gaining a bigger audience they should lighten up, be less obscure
and have a few laughs now and then?
JANET:
I think the people who have a voice for the dark side and understand
the realities of the current day should keep writing as they have.
However, do take a break from the key-board. We all need refreshing, so
get to it.
PLT:
By now, I'm sure most readers will be feeling as I and your many
on-line friends do that you have been away too long. When you do get
down to writing again do you see any new directions for yourself,
writing on topics such as the effects of climate change and the human
catastrophes it may cause and has already caused, like the devastation
of New Orleans. I know you were involved in supporting the refugees, so
I'm sure you have some comments to make. And does poetry have a role to
play in raising awareness of the problems worldwide, I guess I am
asking should we be spending less time navel gazing and putting more
effort into campaigning?
JANET:
I don't know where my writing will take me but I am sure that I will
touch on the volunteer work that I have done with AIDS patients, the
mentally challenged, and yes, the devastation in New Orleans. (still)
At the moment my relief work involves digging water wells in Africa
where there is no clean water. Babies are dying, people are sick, it's
a crime not to do something for someone else.
PLT:
No
wonder you get tired if you are digging wells in Africa.
The travelling alone must be exhausting. I'm teasing.
On behalf of PLT Janet thank you for giving us so much of your time and being so open and honest with our readers.
JANET:
You are most welcome, it has been fun and soon we'll have to
make another date. Where are we going this time? No, don't tell me,
make it a surprise.
PLT:
Janet, it's been an honour and a privilege.
ANNOUNCEMENT:
Canadian Zen Haiku canadien ISSN 1705-4508
is an international quarterly haiku journal from
Aux Éditions Describe Adonis Press, Ottawa, Canada
which publishes haiku in any language. Since Canada is a bilingual nation, we favour haiku in English & French. If you wish to submit haiku in any language other than English or French, you must also provide an English translation. If you are interested in submitting your haiku, tanka, senryu and other forms of Japanese poetry, you may send the publisher, Richard Vallance, up to 10 subject to initial evaluation to the following e-mail address:
vallance2@yahoo.com
We will hopefully contact you in 3 to 6 months. Subscription rates are: $20 per year for Canadian subscribers only & $25 * per year for international subscribers (the C$ is above par with the US$)
Sonnetto Poesia ISSN 1705-4524
is the only international quarterly sonnet journal in the world from
Aux Éditions Describe Adonis Press, Ottawa, Canada
We are looking for fresh approaches to the sonnet form in the twenty-first century, composed in contemporary English. Experimentation is welcome, so long as your own unique style strikes us as consistent. However, it is not advisable to stretch too far the established norms for the sonnet.
We will hopefully contact you in 3 to 6 months. Subscription rates are: $20 per year for Canadian subscribers only & $25 * per year for international subscribers (the C$ is above par with the US$) (Excerpt from Richard Vallance, Publisher & Editor-in-Chief)
